Yet another accuser has come forward speaking out against John Revolta, and as I was teeing up to write yet another John–Travolta-blew-anal-kisses-at-a-masseuse story, I decided to go a different route.  Since about the same Revolta was accused of sexual assault last week, I’ve also been reading the Fifty Shades of Shit trilogy.  And yes, it is shit.  The last time I tried to read a book this bad was Twatlight, and I gave up on the first novel halfway through.

Considering I’m convinced that EL James formula for writing the Fifty Shades of Shit books went something like this:

Twatlight + LOTS of BDSM (but not really) Sex + inner goddess – Sparkly Vampires = 50 Shades

I’m not surprised I hate the series so much.

While reading the Revolta accusers claims, I couldn’t help but think that a good portion of their allegations could also be quotes from these atrocious novels, since both come off as horribly written fanfiction.

So, I decided to play “Guess the Quote: Fifty Shades of Grey or John Travolta Assault Claim”

And here we go!

[He] was masturbating, penis was fully erect, and was roughly 8 inches in length.

Answer: Revolta!  From John Doe #1′s initial filing:

“Travolta, had removed his draping and was masturbating. Travolta’s penis was fully erect, and was roughly 8 inches in length, and his pubic hair was wirey.”

His lips are parted – he’s waiting, coiled to strike.

Answer:  Fifty Shades! A tell-tale clue were the words lips.  Had the word anus been used, it most likely would’ve been Revolta.

“I could see [his] erection.  He moved around and started to breathe heavily. He [said], “Oh yeah, that feels so good!”

Answer:  Revolta!  This account is from Luis Rodriguez, a masseuse who told the National Enquirer he actually had sex with the actor after Travolta did his flirty-anus-wink at him during a 1997 massage at at the Laguna-Niguel Ritz-Carlton.  (And I now need to wipe this from my mind before I cry.)

As I approached, he took off his white coat and was naked. He hugged me.

Answer: Also Revolta!  This is from former Royal Caribbean massage therapist, Fabian Zanzi!  Zanzi said he was offered $12k by John to have sex with him, but he turned it down. (I’d do it for $12k, but I have no ethics or morals. But, alas, I’m neither a masseuse nor a male.)

“I found some baby oil. Let me rub it on your behind.”

Answer: Fifty Shits!  After Christian Grey spanks heroine Ana on the ass, he offers to soothe his punishment with baby oil, which Ana notes is a very “versatile” substance, since it also acts as a makeup remover.  How insightful.

Sweat was pouring down [his] neck, and he asked [me] again to say something nice to him.”

Answer: Revolta!  Probably my favorite quote from all the allegations.  Say something nice to him? Really?  For some reason, I hope if this actually happened, John Doe #1  responded back with something like “I loved your acting in Welcome Back, Kotter...?” or “Your hair weave looks nice?”

He bends to kiss me the grabs the small bowl on the table that contains the butt plug, the tube of lubricant, the blindfold.

Answer:  While I’m sure reading these words would have Revolta’s rectum quivering in giddy anticipation, the quote is actually from Fifty Shades of Grey! 

[He] still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but [his]erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover…[he] started masturbating…

Answer: Revolta!  From John Doe #2′s account of their massage.  Yep, feel the bile burn the back of your throat!

The strands of the flogger skim across my swollen [pregnant] belly at an aching, languorous pace.

Answer:  Obviously this is from Fifty Shits…but damn.  And Ewww.  I can’t believe this book is a best-selling novel, as it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever read.   RIP literature.

And I’m this ending here, because between pregnant S&M sex and details of John Travolta’s penis and pubes,  my head is about to explode from grossness.

Donna Summer has gone to the big disco in the sky.  TMZ is reporting the legendary singer and disco queen Donna Summer succumbed to her battle with cancer.  She was 63 years old.

According to TMZ,  Donna passed away in Florida this morning, though no further details were given.

Donna’s place in music history is forever cemented.  I missed the whole disco era by several years, but Last Dance is and always be “must play” music at nightclubs.  Everyone  knows that when you start to hear the familiar first strains of it, you need to that last drink because the house lights are coming up soon.

RIP, Donna. Because of you, we know to look for hot stuff, to feel love (one of my fave songs, ever!), work hard for the money and will always enjoy that last dance.  Your music will live on forever and transcend generational gaps.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

Sources close to American Idol say that this season is Jennifer Lopez’s last, as she’s dropping Ryan Seacrest, Randy Jackson and Steven Tyler the same way she dropped Ojani Noa, Criss Judd (AKA the original Casper Smart) and Skeletor Anthony.

The reasoning? “She’s just too busy,” a source tells E!

And we’re not just talking about humping all over the pool boy Casper Smart.  JLo has that tour launching with Enrique Iglesias later this year, and if it goes worldwide like they’re planning, she would be overseas during the initial round of AI auditions for the next season.

Neither JLo nor FOX has confirmed she’s leaving yet, but another insider says that FOX is going to throw more money JLo’s way as they don’t want her to leave.

JLo’s been with the show two seasons: the first she  received $12 million dollars. The second, she got a whopping $20 million dollars. Just yesterday, Forbes ranked her as the #1 most powerful celebrity (The guys at Forbes must’ve been smoking some good shit while listening to Waiting for Tonight on repeat.  JLo in the top 10? Sure…#1? WTF?)

Add yet another thing that I could have happily lived the rest of my life without seeing.

The infamous TIME breastfeeding cover (which, yes, I’ll be honest, totally skeeved me out – not because the kid was breastfeeding, but because the actual set up of the picture was obviously meant to be over-the-to top provocative and weird) now has another reason to apologize to my eyes: it inspired Jason Biggs and his wife take a picture mocking the cover and post it up on Twatter.

Biggs’ pictured included the caption “Are you wife enough?” – an obvious play on the news magazine cover’s quip, “Are you mom enough?” It also caused my brain to cry out in horror, because Jason Biggs sucking on Jenny Mollen’s tittay is something I never wanted inflicted on my fragile widdle soul.

Um…congrats?

Rachel Pukitel – AKA Tiger Woods’ Jane Hoe #1 and David Boreanaz’s former side piece – has given birth to a baby girl. Pukitel and new hubby Matt Hahn have named their daughter Wyatt Lilly Hahn.

Matt made the announcement via Facebook on Wednesday and announced his daughter came into the world at 7 lbs.  A rep for the couple said mother and baby are “resting comfortably.”

Well, that was quick, E!

The Kartrashian family network AKA E! already has a teaser trailer for the next season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, though this season’s finale has yet to air (it’s on this coming night if you want to watch – I don’t.)  E! assures us the seventh season of the series will be shocking and it shockingly features Kanye West and Kim’s new relationship.

I want to know exactly who thinks these two famewhores famewhoring themselves out for the cameras “shocking?” Because, no.

Anyhoo, along with teasing Kimye  clip also features Kourtney’s baby announcement (SPOILER:  it’s a girl), Kim’s flour-bombing incident: (SPOILER: it’s amazing) and Kris Jenner sporting a frightening trout-pout mouth.

Oh, and Bruce Jenner still looks like a real life version of Catwoman.

OneRepublic drummer, Eddie Fisher, was sitting in jail earlier today in Denver, Colorado on suspicion of assault, disturbing the peace, and destruction of private property from a mysterious event that occurred in the early hours or Tuesday morning.

According to a statement made but he local police, Fisher got into a fight with Lonnie Weygant, who he was dating for a couple months. Apparently Fisher was accused of cheating on Weygant and the two started fighting. Fisher allegedly pulled the bathroom sink away from the wall and then suffered the gash on his head after Weygant hit him. Fisher then went to leave the house Weygant and the two fought more. Reportedly Weygant had a cut lip and finger. This version of the story came from Weygant’s roommate, Mandy Engel.

Lonnie Weygant’s story to the police was a little in that she says that Fisher got mad at her because he suspected she was cheating and that Fisher grabbed her by the head and threw her to the ground, which is how she got hurt. Lonnie then ran into the house and locked herself in the bathroom. Fisher then busted into the room, so on and so forth.

Fisher was arrested Tuesday morning and was supposed to appear in front of a judge today. Reportedly he pleaded not guilty to the charges. The D.A. tacked on an additional charge of wrongs to a minor in addition to the three previously listed. Apparently this fight happened in the presence of a kid. Fisher’s next hearing is Thursday, June 7 and bond was set for $550.00.

DRAMA!

I love the Forbes lists that they put out because it really puts things into perspective for us regular folks who like to compare the regular, but highly successful Joe or Joess to celebs. It’s also a great way to figure out how much money people (both celebrity or other) actually have and have made in a given year.

The list of Forbes‘ list of  the 100 top celebrities has been released and Jenny From the Block has claimed the number 1 spot! The ranking is determined by a combination of factors including, income, money rank, TV/Radio rank, press rank, web rank, and social rank. J-Lo made $52 million in the past year and had high press and social rankings, which is likely attributed to her huge paycheck on American Idol, new endorsements, divorce form Skeletor/Marc Anthony, and her new clothing line at Kohl’s and her huge following on social networks like twitter and FB.

If you’re scratching your head about who was the big weaner for the 2011 list – it was Gaga. Gaga ruled everything last year.

Here’s a quick rundown of the top 20 celebrities and how much money they made in the past year because that’s always fun to know:

2. Oprah Winfrey – $165 m

3. Justin Bieber – $55 m

4. Rihanna – $53 m

5. Lady Gaga – $52 m

6. Britney Spears – $58 m

7. Kim Kardashian – $18 m

8. Katy Perry – $45 m

9. Tom Cruise – $75 m

10. Steven Spielberg – $130 m

11. Taylor Swift – $57 m

12. Tiger Woods – $58 m

13. Angelina Jolie – $20 m

14. Donald Trump – $63 m

15. LeBron James – $53 m

16. Beyonce Knowles – $40 m

17. Elton John – $80 m

18. Simon Cowell – $90 m

19. Rush Limbaugh – $69 m

20. Tyler Perry – $105 m

Also, rumor has it that J-Lo is planning to leave American Idol after this season, because she’s just too busy doing the things that made her the top celebrity in the first place. She’ll lose that mega paycheck but will probably make three-fold when she heads out on tour with Enrique Iglesias this summer.

This is not good.

Actor Nick Stahl (Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Carnivale, The Man Without a Face) has been reported missing by his estranged wife, Rose Murphy

TMZ broke the story this morning, saying Rose filed a “missing persons” report with the LAPD on Monday.   According to sources, Nick was last seen hanging out in LA’s Skid Row, possibly on the hunt for drugs.  LAPD Officer Rosario Herrra confirmed the news to PEOPLE.  ”I can confirm that he’s missing.  And, as of now, he is still missing.”

In February, his wife had filed court papers  stating she feared Nick may be using, and she’s afraid his disappearance is tied to his drug use.

Nick was last seen on May 9.  Rose and Nick have a two-year-old  infant daughter, Marlo.  The February court filing was regarding Rose trying to limit Nick’s time with their child.

Oh, Yeezy.  You and your fame-whoring ways seldom disappoint – which is why the more I think about you and Kim Kartashian, the more you two make sense.

Kimmy-cakes confirmed to K! E! that boyfriend Kanye West will be appearing on the next season of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians. However, we shouldn’t hold our breath for over the top PDA.

Kim says she wants to show her life.  ”If we are having dinner and he does show up, I’m sure we’re not going to go, ‘Stop the cameras!’”

But , “I’m not going to be taking a bubble bath and drinking champagne or on a sex swing  like Khloé and Lamar do,” , “It’s not going to be like that.”

First off, is that a little shade thrown at Khloebacca, Kim? Also, as for the claims that we won’t see anything over the top with you and Kanye – I’m sure you two will save that for the sex tape. After all, look what happened last time you were caught on camera with a black musician…